https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzIOct. 17, 2:30 PM (and there have been a number of at least small modes since Oct. 10th but I remember to write this one... and there was the mode on Sunday night, Oct. 14, where Shay went into mode for me having an orgasm (after I asked if she wanted me to continue and she said just finish, and she had been rather non-responsive up till that time too and I knew she would just say no if I asked if she wanted me to give her oral for an orgasm, as she had said no it's ok the past 2 times I asked her too, so I assume that she definitely didn't want me to do it this time... and in fact I asked her after she expressed that she had to watch porn because I wouldn't give her orgasms (which of course was BS). Anyway, back to today, Shay went into a mode because I was sending text back to one of the members and it took a few minutes after she went to the door way to go out. I didn't realize it had taken more than about a minute from the time she actually went out, and as soon as I saw how upset she was I asked her why and then apologized and told her I try to be more mindful when texting as it apparently does take me longer that I think. She still wouldn't get out of the mode and she said apologies are nothing and that it really upset her that I wasted her time. I again, explained that I had really wanted to finish the text before we left and not take my phone, but now that I realized it was a really big deal with her I would be more careful AND I also explained to her that it is usually her that is making me wait and even ignoring me when I'm talking with her when she's in the middle of something but that of course I don't react all upset like she is. To that, she said well you must not value your time. I told her I do, but I'm not going to get that upset about it and especially if you apologize for it, which you never do in such small things. Anyway, it didn't matter what I said she chose to continue with the mode (and even made the comment, it doesn't matter if our condo is now maybe worth 250K I'm not happy) saying this as though she's not happy with our relationship. And in various ways whenever she goes into a mode she almost always begins thinking like this and that everything is terrible and her against me and the world type thinking.. It's very unhealthy (and she knows it's bad for our relationship), yet she chooses to INDULGE in this immature and petty behavior.. And there is never anyway to get through to her at these times and her logic is soooo distorted. Today, big logic/explanation with her was that some things bother one person and not so much another, and that this really bothers her and that maybe I just didn't value my time because I ddin't get upset with her like she was now doing with me when she makes me wait. I explained to her, then if it bothers you so badly why would you so often do that very thing to me... Of course, she didn't really have a reply for that. And of course, if I were to react like she is with me those many times when she makes me wait, she would be soooo upset and especially if I didn't apologize afterwards for being upset with her. Yet she chose to make it a huge deal with me this one time.
Oct. 18, 2018 7 am. Shay got upset with me because she said I hadn't told her enough times or whatever, the time we were supposed to be leaving (an the job interview time) to our 730 appointment. This of course, bothered me because I had told her at least 3 or 4 times the night before AND I was the one who set up the appointment for us AND I was the one who set the alarm and got us up at 6 am (and then reminded her to get up again saying it's 6:15 AM etc., so for her to be getting upset with me saying I somehow hadn't made her aware of it enough (let alone not being at all appreciative that I was doing everything (including making breakfast as usual) really struck me wrong. After explaining that I HAD told her enough times and that it wasn't my fault that she didn't remember it or write it down (because she said I should if she didn't right it down how could she remember", I said I shouldn't have to be holding your hand on this. This got her more upset and she went into a full mode. She stayed in the mode as I drove us to the appointment and even said she didn't think it was going to work for us to be at the same job together (basically saying that we clashed and she didn't want to be with me). And even after I said I should have just left it at I shouldn't have to make sure you write it down and not said, I shouldn't have to hold your hand, and that I knew she was independent and didn't need that, she still wouldn't get out of the mode (which is very typical, as it doesn't matter what I say, apologize or whatever). And even after I helped her a lot on the job interview process, she still remained in the mode and was inconsiderate the whole time I did all of our shopping at Trader Joess, and carrried everything back to the condo without her lifting a finger to help. She finally got out of it after she had some CBD oil with a loolipop (as she was just starting her period). And I know she is even more irritable than usual at this time, but her words and actions do have an impact on our relationship. And also, this morning I even offered to pay her $20 a day (.02% ownership towards ownership of the condo (probably worth more like $30 to $40 with the valuation now). She was not really cooperating and being upset even with that when I explained the rules and how I thought she could accomplish her goal of the bad habit she has that she's working on that she strongly says she wants to get over.
Shay had a few small modes during the past 2 weeks but was able to come out of them mostly by herself. Either fairly quickly within an hour or less and she would just start talking again, or sometimes it would require overnight and then she would start talking normally again. However, Nov. 1, Thursday, after I spend about 25 minutes typing out the suggestions we had talked about for her accident case and let her read them she was upset because I was taking to long doing it or because I mentioned another point. As usual she didn't thank me for the effort in her behalf and I mentioned it kind of jokingly, saying, "Thankyou Edward for taking the time to write up those ideas for me" to which she basically got upset and went into a mode and said thinks like that she had been following my advice blindly concerning it and how I had somehow even been a negative and that she needed to do it herself. So, I told her that I wouldn't say anymore. She did write up an email herself during the next 40 minutes and then showed it to me. Nov. 2, morning, we went for our walk and I told her some insights about relationships and how I thought we should market and explain our coaching. Then after we ran I met her at the pool and complimented her that she was turning her talk into action by actually running when she walked in the mornings. Then out of the blue she said you should too and then she told me "you talk to much, and that has got to change". I didn't say anything and about 3 minutes later I said, "If we don't talk about things what's the point... all I did today was explain about the relationship thing and compliment you (and yesterday I was listening to what you were saying about some things, political) and then I went and sat over in the shade. She interrupted me towards the end and said to stop. So I didn't say anymore (and I wasn't going to say anything else anyway. So I decided to really say as little as possible (It's a waste of time to talk about even things that you think might be insightful and useful to a person if they don't want to hear or don't appreciate). She left without me and seemed to be in a mode but she did start talking about 10 minutes later. But she should realize that the things you say can affect the other person negatively and then they may really lower the amount of communication or things to share with you (and also start wondering about the relationship and if they are appreciated etc.).
Nov. 7, 2018 After having 2 really good days of me acting as Shenteria's manager to really get her voiceover work going (including working many hours on improving her website, getting her to put in applications twice a day, methodically, finding and getting her to put her profile on 2 other websites voices.com etc. and a lot of other good advice and then also spontaneously going with her to a movie at 5:30 today, she still chose to go into a mode (a really bad one) just from me recommending to her that she postpone spending time cleaning the bathtub and sink etc. during work hours the next day and just waiting until after work (a perfectly logical/appropriate request since I'm trying to keep her on task and productive and working during work hours instead of getting distracted on other things like she does so often. But anyway, she apparently took it as me being to controlling (even though I explained it to her and backed off and even said I'd help her with it during work hours if she was dead set on doing it at that time.). It was a very bad mode and she said a lot of rather mean things and seemed to be pushing me in a direction where we would break up (see the texts below that I sent her). Anyway, she drove off in her car and 2:20 am in the morning:for an hour and a half and was totally uncommunicative the next day and took off outside much of the day. She didn't get back to normal until about 5 pm that day. The texts follow
Loving someone always will be the ACTIONS of doing things for them that you KNOW they want/caring and being mindful of the other person. That's how you know if the person really does love you. No matter what you are thinking/feeling now, you KNOW that I have always been mindful of you and my continued, steady actions have shown that I love you. One more thing, remember, I talked again about getting married on April 20, even today; but yes, I guess I
I'm not texting the last part I wrote last night, but anyway what happened last night was simply you going into a mode on a very small thing of me simply trying to convince you to do the bathroom cleaning after work and not during work (which in trying to maximize your business I thought was appropriate). And it's not true that I've been so trying to control you. You know I am much better on this now, and even recently all those days you spent with Amber, basically letting you do whatever you want to do without saying anything. Anyway because I do care about you I'll try again to not think about intimacy with you (try to not even ask for it), and just try to grow more spiritually (I guess the more both of us focus on true spirituality/love and becoming more like Jesus the easier that might be)... that's is what I did for the first two weeks you were gone to Illinois, but then had those 5 days...
kind of need to know a little more that you really do love me and that it's steady, and that you won't just be ready to leave, which it seems like you are thinking about again tonight. and that's probably why you kept saying, things like, "I like being alone", and asking me "why are you even with me?, and also before that, saying the other, frankly, mean and unfair things, like I can't even give business advise because I'm a failure like McOwl's black friend (and you not saying anything when I explained why it seems like you must really hate having sex with me), all of this basically pushing me towards finally having to say, I've really had enough... and all of this mode and hostility just because I tried to convince you to do the bathroom cleaning after work Instead of during work.
As of today, Nov. 28, Shenteria has gone into modes many times in the past 3 weeks. I should have written each one down but there were so many, especially last week when very little things I said set her off (totally with good intent, and no big deal at all, but as usual she misinterpreted my intent and what I was trying to tell her). This happened about 4 times last week. The week before when we went to Silver Saddle ranch, she went into modes twice, once when we were driving down for a few hours, for something that was absolutely nothing, and then when I stated my case to the presenter that he wasn't keeping his word on giving us at least $500 of shopping certificates or round trip tickets to Hawaii, she got very upset and said I wasn't appreciative and complaining too much (and "in a hissy fit" lol) and that I had been inconsiderate of her somehow (I guess because I talked with him for about 20 minutes and she felt I was causing her to wait and she felt embarrassed etc.). OF course, I was only doing what I said I would do in keeping him honest and saying what most every body else didn't dare say. Shay later came around to understanding and agreeing with what I did. The guy was purposely presenting that people would get at least $500 when what everyone got was just a 3 day stay in a minor hotel with all kinds of restrictions that basically would make most people just give up and not even use the coupon.
Last night she went into a mode because I told her it would be better for her to do more running in place of say just the elliptical exercise. I said this because her legs got so tired and sore from a mile and a half of slow jogging the night before on the 3 mile fun run, and also because she gets tired quickly when doing tennis. So it was just a loving and useful suggestion, but as usual she took it as a criticism and misinterpreted my intention and not realizing it was actually something that was a useful suggestion for her.
Nov.28, Thursday? Shay had me look at her high school friend's blog with her in it and I just was curious because I knew Shay had been shy in high school and she had said she wasn't with the popular kids and so I wondered why her friend who looked attractive etc. wasn't popular. When I said I was surprised that she was attractive and not popular Shay got all upset because I said she was attractive...I told her it's just a way of describing a person and that I was just curious about why she wouldn't have been popular. She then accused me of being attracted to her and even that I would want to get with her, which of course is ridiculous and I told her so, but she still continued in the mode and said she'd tell me when she saw attractive guys (I'm fine with an explanation or reason to say attractive like I said in this case, but of course I don't go out trying to find attractive girls.
Dec. 5 Shay went into a bad mode just because I told her I was falling asleep when she started talking to me (and I had told her before that once get tired and lie down to sleep that I don't want to be woken up when she comes in later, because it wakes me up and is harder to go back to sleep then, and also because if I go right to sleep when I am tired and don't get woken up I sleep deeper and better. I've explained this to her several times but she seems to ignore it. Anyway, I actually did wake up fully when she yelled out Edo. Then I told her I was fully awake and could talk. But she got more upset and started saying negative things to which I said, That's not fair, to which she said, "You're unfair", and then I tried to remind her I always talk with her but she said, "I'll get another". She kept the mode up through almost noon the next day, but now she is out of it. Additional details, she had just told me she wasn't in the mood for sex a few minutes before (even though it had been 2 days and it was possibly the last night before her period starts) but I didn't get upset and just told her ok, well I'm going to sleep. And she did come to get in bed rather quickly after I laid down.
12/8 Saturday, Shay got upset/in a mode just because I told her she had said the instagram challenge guy had only 79 people do it Friday. She told me on Saturday it was over 200 but I reminede her she had said it was just 79 last night when I'd asked her (she did say she remembered me saying that it was much less than the other days, but she didn't remember that she had said the number 79 and in fact she said she absolutely hadn't) so she got upset with me because in my memory she had. I told her it was fine and maybe that maybe she'd somehow said the number for some other reason and lets just forget it. But as is usually the case she chose to hold onto her anger and wouldn't let it go for a few hours until we finally got up to St. George. Then at St. George my mom apparently told her I had basically abanodoned Janica and had a bid ego. So Shay went into a very bad mode and in the car she said I had been a really bad person and she even said I was like her dad Tommy Lee (which is a very unfair comparison as he beat her mom, didn't pay child support (and in fact apparently took money from Shay's mom from social security) and he only met Shay once briefly in her entire life. After telling me what a bad person and dad I had been she said, the bottom line was, "I can't see me having children with you". I explained things to her the best I could while she was driving and in also explained the best I could in the morning. But I could tell this time was different and she wasn't going to let it go and that it was just going to keep coming back and her thinking I was a bad person (and it was different because she didn't even want to eat when we were coming back from St. George and later in the evening). On December 9, Sunday, Shay was still very much into her mode/state and was definitely of the intention not to be with me anymore. I decided to followup on the obvious and talked with her in the morning. I said it was obvious that she didn't want to be with me and that she would keep coming back to the thing with Janica and me divorcing Ginny and leaving Janica when she was a baby and basically that I had been a bad person and that she wouldn't be able to get over that. I explained that of course I was sorry I hadn't been able to be in Janica's life much until she was 11 but that at the time I couldn't stand being in the relationship with Ginny and basically escaped to Japan (and that I was totally not ready for a baby and that Ginny had purposely stopped taking her birth control pills to get pregnant... no excuse, but I wasna't ready and it's all I could do at the time). I also told her how I tried my best to make up for it bringing Janica over to Japan for about 6 months at a time when she was 11 and 14, (and spending 10s of thousands of dollars for that) and then bringing her over for good at 18 and getting her set up in the beginning of her current career etc. But Shay would not understand and still thought badly of me so I said we should break it off, but to continue to do business together. We agreed to continue living together for a while and not to tell anyone or post about it on social media etc. (but Shay couldn't fully stop herself from the following post).
Shenteria @shenteriamarie Dec 9
MoreSomthing brilliant came to my mind today: a breakdown of the breakup that became your breakthrough. #artistsontwitter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI TED Happiness
Shay had definitely made up her mind to basically end our relationship but she felt good about continuing to do business at least for a while. She seemed quite strong in her resolution and like it was a good thing. She later came up with, why don't we being business partners with benefits. So that evening I was about to see if she wanted to but she said she wouldn't feel good not being in an actual relationship. The next night, after not having intamacy for a few days (and me even stopping her on Wednesday night (I believe) and reminding her that we were in a business relationship she seemed to change somewhat.
Today, Sunday Dec. 15 another mode over me just getting 8 vegetables and not stopping into the store to buy more (though I told her I need to go to bathroom and that it wasn't that needed and that it would still fill the crock pot. Took a few hours to get over.
Tuesday? I think Shay had another mode but as usual it was certainly such a small thing that I can't recall what it was (I do think it got over quite quickly though).
Thursday night, in the bathroom I just said we should turn the fan on as I smelt something, she said not doing number 2 and that it was probably the dirty toilet. So I said well I guess so then, and I started to clean it and the floor right around. but she stayed in it for about 10 minutes and after lieing down, so I asked her why and explained it was nothing. To Shay's credit she did get right out of it... but again, she was misinterpreting what I said and assuming some kind of bad intent to my comment. Friday another mode and Shay again went to smoke in her car (she came back oik and smoked Saturday
Tuesday, Dec. 25 mode because I said she should have paid an even $5 tip on our meal instead of the $4.73 she paid because she wanted it to come out to an even number of $28. I just explained that the purpose of a tip is to show appreciation (and our waitress did a very good job) and I would pay anything over $4 anyway, but mainly it looks and feels better for the waitress and so she isn't paid $4 and the 73 cents in change, and then told her it shouldn't matter whether it comes out even on your visa statement because most things you buy are not. But she got very upset about it, and even when I tried to let it go she went on. And even a while later when I told her you can hold on to this or focus on what a great day we had, and how I gave you a $100 plus tennis racket $40 in silver etc. even though I don't have any money now, and how I really tried to make it Christmassy like you wanted and watched Christmas movies etc. (and not go out Christmas eve to dancing like I wanted etc. then why do you focus on such a small thing as we mentioning about the logic of just paying an even $5 tip over $4.73, and go into a mode and ruin it. But she still said she wasn't sure she wanted to let it go.. but after maybe 2 hours she basically did.
Dec. 26, Shay got very upset and went into a mode because I told her that she could drive into the intersection to make a turn on a flashing yellow turn light (she had been sitting at the beginning of the intersection while cars were passing by in the other lane, so I thought maybe she didin't know that she could go forward and be in a postion to turn as soon as an opening came rather than sitting back and maybe having the stop light turn red and not be able to go forward or turn as early as she coold have by just moving forward. She got upset and said I know that, to which I said well I thought maybe you didn't because you were not moving forward. She made a big deal of it and remained in a mode for some hours.
2595 E. Fremont After hours work space- ebony
Dec. 28, Friday about 1 PM. Shay really went into a bad mode because I simply asked her why she was suddenly going to change her car's oil and wasn't going to do her work until night, after just cancelling an important business related appointment with Sgt. Dixie and saying it was because she had so much work to do. I simply suggested that she get her work done first (as she had also agreed was a good idea before) so that her time would be free from the evening, and in case we might want to do something during this special once a year holiday season, or even just to go to a movie, watch tv or whatever (to which she had also basically agreed with the night before). I even offered to drive over to the office to see if no one was there (because she was then saying that the reason she wasn't going to work now was that she wasn't sure if someone was there during the day). She didn't want me to do that, so it seemed obvious that that wasn't the real reason, and since she also would't reply when I said it's ok if you're now planning to also go somewhere else, just don't say it's just to get the oil changed and because of people maybe being in the office during the day). But she wouldn't say why she was going and got more upset and said I was controlling and selfish etc. That honestly is absolutely not the case, especially on the selfish thing, as I almost always adjust and do the things that she wants to do and am always trying to help her grow (and like even teaching tennis etc. ) And I am not nearly as controlling as the average guy (and just even encuourage her to take the 4 week trip back to East St. Louis a few months ago and of course, let her go out and do what she wants to do and I have even held back on saying anything about her junk food, exercise,methodical working and other things (but then she says she want's me to remind her...).. And I even told her that if she really thought I was being controlling, that just like me now going without sex for 3 weeks that I could completely not say anything.. but Shay will not take yes (or a solution) for an answer when she's in a mode, and she chooses to stay in it and be oblivious to any logic or any attempts to try and find a solution. She really goes into a kind of Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde night and day thing where she's a total wall, and her against the world (and against me and assigning bad motives to me and great exagerating little and even non existent things and not remembering at all, all of the good things I've done or how good our relationship is etc. Later Shay did a apologize, which is a positive.
Dec. 30, At about 10 AM I offered to get the cereal for Shay (and cut up banana). She was in the bathroom and I asked her if she wanted cereal and she said yes. Without thinking I poured the milk on both of our cereals and she yelled from the bathroom not to put the milk on yet. I said sorry I already had, and then I got her new wheatabix but she was already in a mode and wouldnt get out of it (saying she didn't know how I could have done that knowing that she was still in the bathroom). I explained that I had been more focused on dividing the old milk and new milk evenly and had forgot that I shouldn't pour the milk until she was ready., But she wouldn't accept my explanation (as is always the case) and she apparently continued to assign bad motives (or not believe me?) It apparently took her a couple of hours to get out but she finanly did (after walkig all the way to the Palms where she watched a movie and ate. She did apologize tonight and said she realized she needs to just let the mode go when it comes (and that she doesn't even need to meditate to get out of it).
I think there was another mode or two but they I can't remember them.
Jan. 8th I said to turn off a youtube video playing loud and Shay went into a mode for quite a long time (even though I apologized that I didn't realize it was an educational talk and I even said I try to get use to it in the background although I wanted some quiet). I also showed her the screen saver where she made me promise to charge her $100 if she didn't get out of it AND prove to me that she was out of it (as always she lied and said she wasn't in a mode but she obviously was.
Shay went into a mode even just after we got back from the Tony Robbins event and she was sure she could get out of a mode with the information and the 90 second method he taught... but when I said I had forgot to lock the door(and someone had parked in our space) she just wouldn't get out of it. As always it didn't matter that I apologized or explained that it was unintentional. She stayed in it until well into the day today Jan. 9, 2019.
Jan. 11th big mode at Shark Tank when I tried to get her to say,"Laura has almost completely reversed her diabetes" rather than her simply saying Laura is working on her diabetes. She had agreed to say it that way emphasizing it more than the 30 pounds Laura has lost, because her almost reversing and being over her diabetes is a bid deal, bigger than just losing 30 pounds which others have done about as much and Joyful over 50 pounds. But she kept insisting that just saying she was working on, or in the process or finally reversing her diabetes was just as good (I told her we really needed the wow effect). Anyway, she went into a big mode because I tried a few times to try to get her to say it that way (AFTER she had already agreed to say it that way and understood that it was more impactful than the 30 pound weight loss...). She basically told me it was my ego and to just do the presentation myself (and also that we didn't work well together). Same pattern of assigning false, bad motives to me and going to the extreme of saying we don't work together, throw it all away type of mentality... Of course, I am glad she got out of it just in time and it went well in time to practice some more and and do the presentation together. I just get kind of weary of the modes, time after time and the same pattern of always assigning bad motives, thinking everything with us is bad, ready to throw everything a way, and then never willing to accept my explanation (or my adjustment and a solution (usually the very thing that she was insisting on, like this time I just let her say it the way she wanted (although it wasn't nearly as impactful).
March 21,2019 There have been many modes since the last entry of Jan. 11th. One in February was really big where Shay was definitely going to leave and started packing etc. (and saying she'd be out by March 15th). Despite her telling me she didn't trust me etc. I told her that of course having good character that I would make sure she kept her almost 10% of condo ownership I've promised and that I would pay her the percentage if I rented out the condo, give her all her money if I sold it and even try to pay her back some monthly until all paid if I continued to live in the condo. She had sent me an email about an hour before that I hadn't read that asked for one more chance to stay together and that she understood how bad the modes were and that she wouldn't go into a mode again (and if she did that she fully understood why I would have had more than enough then and would break up). She has been relatively good since that 1 and a half day mode around Feb. 20th? but has had several small ones. She seemed to be over them with my mom's passing last week on Wednesday and was so good this past week, but AGAIN she went into a mode this morning around 10 AM and is still in it now at 5 PM.
As usual, it was just some ridicoulously little thing (and assigning bad intentions) and she won't seem to get over it despite my explaining. When she does this it really brings up great doubts with me (which are even bigger now with not only the passing of my mom, which I really didn't think would happen until I had done more with You are the Project and maybe set a world record in the mile, and then with the terrible letter that Shanon sent me, which has really got me doubting on trusting people at all and no matter how much you help them, spend time, effort and money on them, they will just just end up forgetting about all you have done for them and turn on you at some time. This is soooooo much the case with Shanon (and also Kaori). And now I'm really starting to think it will be the same with Shay. In fact, many times when she has gone into the modes she has been so ungreatful and so negative against me and ready to leave. So it's actually rather easy to see how she might just get upset, get into her typical mode and then just forget all I've done and loved her and say everything has basically been bad, make up/greatly exagerrate every little thing and then leave. Today just reminded me of that and I felt it even more because of the 2 things I just mentioned of my mom's passing and Shanon's letter. As I said, today was so ridiculous, and it kind of emphasizes to me that Shay is looking for some kind of perfection that is totally impossible. I had to get up 6 times last night with my dad, and then up permanently from 7:40 to get him ready for the 9:15 doctors appointment, then back home and working on getting the old bed removed and the new one in, getting the sheets taken care of, a tv and various other things so that I hardly had time to even eat (as has been usual alot), and with all that was going on, Shay complained that I left a few crumbs on the counter and put her used dish in the dish washer. I told her it was a very little thing that could be taken care of in just 30 seconds.But she went into a mode. I then explained to her that I would try to remember to do those things but that with all I'd had going on I didn't realize it. And I also asked her if she could just do that along with helping a little more on food preparation, dishes as she had said that she really wanted to be more helpful and felt she wasn't doing anything. She had been helping on the dishes, but I told her this could take care of the problem of me maybe forgetting to wipe off some crumbs and help you feel more contributing as you'd asked. She kind of seemed to understand and that it was such a little thing that I had done. But she really didn't get over it and kept asking me, "WHY would you put my dish in the sink when you didn't put yours in and WHY would you not wipe off the crumbs when you said you wanted to keep it clean for tonight. I tried to explain to her that I had been soooo busy that I just hadn't realized it (and I also said I will really try to be careful of those 2 things but that I can't always realize it when I'm super busy and overwhelmed). This apparently wasn't enough for her and she just continued in the mode, ignored me at least once when I talked with her, refused to read together, didn't want to have me get us stew to eat and then when I talked she started saying how I didn't spend anytime with her and how she I was trying to control her by having her here in St. George instead of Vegas and how everything was bad. I reminded her that I had tried to spend every hour I had available but that usually she was just watching her jail TV program, on the phone internet or doing her airforce research and tests etc. and often just wanted to keep doing what she'd been doing, and that she had been fine doing that, and that even if she were in Vegas she would likely be doing the same thing (and not going outside), so that it's just the same. Also, she really has been fine with everything and given her own free time to do what she wants to do (and of course she has been doing some of her voice over work too, which is good).
Anyway, it's just the same old problem of her making a mountain out of nothing ("Catrastrophizing"), and then thinking everything is terrible (including me) and ignoring me or plain being rude, and saying things that are greatly exaggerated and many things that just are not true (and always lying and saying that she isn't in a mode and that it's just me talking that is the problem). So I really have just had enough of it. It's hard enough taking care of my dad and being super busy without someone complaining and making a huge problem/stress out of nothing. And also her not being very cooperative. There actually are a lot of things she could be helping me with, and just to offer to help when she sees me trying to take care of all of Dad's needs and maybe just jump in and help on the 2 small meals and some of the little things he just wants brought to him, while I'm taking care of all of the other big things, like taking him to the bathroom, bed sores, medications, appointments etc. etc.
Sept. 17, 2019 I haven't written for a long time although of course there have been many modes. Hardly a week went by without a mode (and continuing with sometimes 3 or more in a week). Sometimes Shay gets out of them very quickly, other times hours and it seems every month or so there's one that will last about a full 24 hours or longer. But I have noticed what seems to be a better understanding of her modes. I know she knows how to get out of them. It's been a little over a week since her last one now, but it was a rather bad one lasting over 20 hours (from last Thursday evening until Friday late afternoon). It was brought on from me just mentioning that Janica might be coming over for a visit to see Grandpa, me and the others, and Chase's wedding. Janica had told me not to mention anything more than that and especially not to mention anything about her efforts to brings the kids over and whether she even could or not (because of a situation with Dave)S. So when Shay asked me if she was bringing the kids over I had to tell her I didn't know and really couldn't talk about it anymore as Janica has made me promise not to. She thought I was being too secretive and after that it didn't matter what I told her or tried to explain, she refused to get out of the mode, and so our very nice night (up to that point) came to an abrupt end and it a lasted the rest of night and most of the next day. She of course, made everything out to be very negative and saying alot of negative about Janica and my relationship with her and how she wanted to be totally removed and for me never to even mention about Janica again, to which I told her I'd try not to but like sometimes when she might ask me about coming up on Wednesday or me coming down on the weekends, that I might have to tell her that because I was maybe doing something with her or the kids that I might not be able to. She then said she wouldn't come up anymore on Wednesdays and that I still shouldn't say anything to her about Janica. At anyrate, I understand why she is still upset about the way Janica talked to her and tried to sabotage our relationship, but I told her I couldn't change the past. To her credit, several days later she did say that she was more or less ok with the situation now and thought it was a good thing that I was being able to develop a better relationship with Janica again (and able to probably meet my grandkids again).
I came down Thursday afternoon on September 12th and Shay also went into a mode later that day. so we didn't have intimacy until Friday later. It was such a small thing that I can't even remember what it was now, I just remember that after on Saturday I jokingly said that we could have had sex an additional 2 or 3 times and that she really would have been in the money lol. Anyway, these really small things she goes into a mode are often the case... such a small insignificant thing that it's hard to remember).
It's now Sept. 23, Monday and Shay had a mode yet again yesterday evening (and a small one Saturday night when we went to the Blue Martini. So she has gone into a mode once or twice for each of the last 3 weekends.
Sept. 22 Sunday It happened when e were on our way to a house party we were invited to by Gene (and Michelle). It was quite important-Here's the background. Shay had said I should have got Gene's telephone number too (after we had talked about her maybe getting some training with Michelle, but that Michelle hadn't replied back to me when I asked about here weekly workout camps she does at her home). Shay thought she maybe wanted to get some personal lessons with the and as I'd told her how amazingly quick Michelle had basically become a professional in body building. Also, we were thinking of them as a possible couple to get together with. Just after talking about this amazingly, a guy gave us a $5 discount care to Gene's place and we decided to go over and check out his place. When we got there, fortunately Gene himself was there and we ended up talking with him at length and he graciously invited us over to a special house party they were doing the next day Sunday (I think he said they we're going to have some producer type people etc. there and testing somethings etc.).. Anyway, we promised him and Michelle (whom he had skype with us on the phone right then) that we would come over in the afternoon.
Anyway, we were going to go there right after we saw a show at the Palms and were about to drive over but Shay wanted to go all the way back to Albertson and get a vegetable tray (about 8 miles total out of our way). So I said I thought we'd be fine this time to just not bring anything, as it was already after 5 and the party started early afternoon, and also last time we went to their house party they didn't even notice that we brought anything and there was way too much food etc. Anyway, I talked her into at least just picking something up on the way. She then agreed to go to a Hispanic store that was kind of on the way, but knowing how confusing those can be and the time to go around and find things I suggested that we just stop at one of the 7/11s on the way and get a couple bags of chips and some juice (to me it seemed much easier and less time . She insisted on going to the other place and I told her a couple more times that I thought we'd be fine with just the 7/11 and it really would be easy and quick (it was just a couple blocks ahead of us. She became more upset and so I passed by the 7/11 and was going to go to the Hispanic store, but she now insisted that I just go into the 7/11. So I drove in and bought 2 bags of chips and a half gallon of 100% orange juice, but when I got back she was even more in her mode and said she just wasn't going and that she'd just drop me off. That' of course, would be and look ridiculous as we both said we were going and important for us to go as a couple and meet and talk with both of them. No matter how I tried to convince her and apologize for not just doing what she said without trying to get her to do the easier way, as always (when she's in her modes) she wouldn't listen. And it really bothered me because we had just talked about her not getting into modes anymore (as we soooo many times had) and this was important (almost seemed that we had been given the chance, and for Shay's motivation for MMA etc. and a good connection for me) and we had promised. I stressed to her the importance of our promise. But she just wouldn't get out of the mode and so I said I wasn't going either. I had further discussion about how I really though it was bad and irresponsible not to keep our word and for her to go into a big mode (and not even be willing to drop in) for such a little thing. Anyway, she got mreo and more upset and even finally said, "You can take your ring back too!",.. I told he she should keep it and do whatever she wanted with it. Well we got home and things were bad of course with her saying that, and I finally said I was just going to go back to St. George unless she could get out of the mode and discipline herself for us to go over to the party. Although we had kind of got things settled down somewhat and she said she would get out of the mode, she just wouldn't do that and keep her promise. So I left and went back to St. George (I didn't want to basically reward her for her going into a mode and then using that to not keep an important promise).
September 30th, after Shay came up on Sunday, Sunday evening, we had a talk about compound interest. She went into a mode again, but to her credit she did come out of it within about 15 minutes when I said I was just going to go back home.
October 1st evening we had a long texting back and forth from about 7 PM to midnight and she again seemed to be in a mode and was saying she wouldn't come up anymore on Wednesdays, saying that she wanted to do more socializing and making friends in Vegas and focusing more on her work. I explained that she could do that and still come on Wednesdays (and in fact be even more focused because she'd be having the Wednesday bread). But she wouldn't listen to anything including me telling here she should do her work first and then enjoy TV afterwards. She basically told ne that she liked to do some work and watch TV during it and when she wanted to (which she obviously had been doing because it was later evening and she apparently hadn't got any new jobs or completed anything. But after I kept teeling her it would be more productive that way (whch she had agreed to months before), she did get one more $150 job. Anyway, the texts from that time can be looked at. She was going off on me being way to self-dicsiplined like in the military and a lot of other negative things and how she needed her freedom and just wanted to do things the way she wants to and that she didn't care about accomplishing anything big (and like when I was trying to encourage her on still trying to become an MMA star, promote her book etc.).
Anyway, I don't have anymore time, but it definitely became negative. Later, today, Tuesday, October 2nd, she did apologize. And things have been better today (and she realized she had been PMsing. But anyway, these mode and "wishy washy thinking" (her words) just happen over and over and over again. It's the same major problem of her going into modes for such small things and her changing what she says she will do because she doesn't feel like it (or doing things she said she wouldn't do (like really indulging in bad foods, watching excessive TV, watching porn etc.) because she want's to.
October 25th? (see emails between Shay and I). She went into a big mode again and we basically broke up again. She wasn't willing to continue with commitment to keeping in good shape and a good weight (and had come back to 124 pounds after having been as low as 103 pounds). She was upset for me trying to keep her at a better standard (even around 112 pounds). And other reasons, can't remember now and would have to go through the emails, but anyway she basically broke things off and was trying to blame me for it even though it was here being unreasonable (and basically lazy). She finally came around a couple/few? days later and said she would try and keep up a good health standard and the other things that we had originally promised.
November 3 Saturday evening (at the hamburger place downtown) and then again on Sunday morning and Sunday evening, Shay went into modes. And again it ended up with her basically breaking up with me, although this time she later changed it (Monday afternoon) into a more altruistic reason of going back to help and live with her mom (but before that it was going in a very bad direction, and was basically broken up because of her mode and all of the negative things that she thinks and says then). I do continue to very much love Shay, and right now things seem good again (as they usually do after she calms down and then apologizes) but I really don't know when she'll go into a mode again and basically we end up breaking up (and now I've gotten to where I too am ready to break it off when she keeps going into the modes so the possibility becomes even more). Still, I am going to keep trying to work with her and mostly really try to stay connected to know what God would have me do and what my part in His plan might be. I do hope we can both make the maximum growth as individuals and together.
November 8 Saturday evening- a relatively very minor mode, but she had it for a couple hours over me just saying No when she seemed to knock on the bathroom door (which she said was not her really knocking but her shoes hitting), but whatever the reason I explained that I had thought she was about to come in (as i had left the door slightly open) and just said a quick no. She thought I was being "rude and disrespectful" for not saying more fully, like I'm in here don't come in. I explained I meant nothing bad just giving a quick response as I was peeing... as usual, she wouldn't accept my explanation and even after my apology for not saying it nicer, but finally by the time we went to sleep a couple hours later she seemed to be ok (or maybe it was the next morning...).
from last Tuesday through early morning of January 1, 2019 There have been numerous modes in November and December, but I'll just quickly list the ones from just this past week. Tuesday evening when I got back from St. George from the Christmas party, she went into a mode for "bringing too much stuff back and even though we have a storage unit now to put that and more in AND I brought her some nice things too (she did come out of it when I gave her one of the things I brought a cute, well dressed goose of my mom's). Then there were a couple of other ones from Wednesday through Friday (can't even remember what it was so small as usual, but she also got out them fairly quickly). Then Sunday I watched a movies she had already started watching (Mad Max) and she went into a mode because I kept watching it even though I said I would change to watch what she wanted. She went too bed early in the mode. Then Monday evening she went into a mode AGAIN on the high roller, just because I couldn't take a picture the way she wanted it (her camera kept not taking when I pressed the button). Then finally on New Years right after we came back from the festivities downtown she went into a really big mode because I wanted to have sex (which everyone does as a fun thing at the culmination of a great New Years party, like we had) and she wouldn't because we had had really good spontaneous sex at about 8 PM and had set her mind that she wouldn't aftewards because I didn't give her an orgasm although I had kept going 3 times
Jan. 15, 2020 After telling Shay she just broke her promise when she stayed over with Roy and talking about it etc. She said basically, I just say what you want me to say (promise), her actual words were more like, I sometimes just agree to the things you say because I know you want me to, are pushing it/important to you, but I don't really agree with it (and that's why she just went ahead and stayed overnight with Roy.... she really didn't think it was wrong even though she promise me she wouldn't even be alone with him (we had actually talked of him living in Vegas but if he did that she would have him come to our place while I was here and that they could talk and smoke together out on the balcony. And of course, back with Laurence (when we were on Nellis), I had told her I didn't feel good about her smoking alone in the car with him like she had done many times before, and she agreed and actually followed it at that time... but when she went to visit Malon in Sandiego a month ago, she smoked with him alone in the car even as they went on a long drive and stopped at the beach. So she just basically does what she wants to (if she's not really convinced it is bad) even though she knows it it's important to me and she promises not to. On the other hand, and even though I too would have enjoyed meeting or even just talking with my exes, she didn't want me to (and I understood) and promised not to, so I didn't (even though I had a number of contacts from them wanting to get together (even as friends etc) but I had promised so I didn't. Also, Shay said it didn't matter if the guy (Lawrence or others) might be into her or start to get into her, that she would never do anything... well it's the same with me, I wouldn't do anything with my exes since I promised not to. and although she finally said she would be ok with me meeting/talking with my exes if I would be ok with he meeting her old friends who were guys, when it really came down to her being ok if I also did what she did and not only talked with them like on the phone or in public (which I actually told her I would be fine with even before), that she would not like it if I was alone with them in a room etc. or of course, if I stayed overnight with them like say when I might take a trip to LA and need a place to stay. She is not consistent. and she just can't see that it's important to keep promises (especially when it's important to the other person and stresses them). Even if we know who we are and that we won't do something (like I know myself) still because I love Shay I will keep that promise and not do what I say I won't do or do what I promise. But again, with her, she stops keeping her promise as soon as her feeling or situation changes or if she thinks I won't know (like with the first night she was going to stay with Roy and didn't tell me until I finally got it out of her).
